When Whispers Become Screams

I feel so isolated.  I am often alone.  I don’t mind being with myself most of the time, but then there are times when the voice of doubt starts whispering.  The whisper grows until it is screaming in my ear.  Sometimes it gets so loud I say what it says out loud, like if I affirm it somehow I can quiet it again.

  I go over the agonies of my life weigh my reactions.  Whip myself for past wrong doing.  Wonder if the bridges I have burnt can be rebuilt.  Wonder if the bridges were burned by me or by the other party,  who spread the gas, and who struck the match.  Was it equally lit or did one do more than the other?  We are often told it takes two to tango, but I can tell you if one person truly wants to dance you can be an unwilling partner.  I have dragged people around the dance floor of my issues and been dragged by hair around theirs.

When doubt is screaming I am always to blame.  I am shamed and helpless in the grip of my guilt wondering why I do the things I do. It isn’t reality it is an idea that somehow I am bad, unintelligent, useless, and the cause of everything that has gone wrong in my life.  It creates this petulant place inside me that wants to punish me.
Sometimes I think that this self-destructive streak comes from this deep never ending place of pain and grief inside my soul. A part that is there all the time but doesn’t show always.  The part that sobs for my losses; the things most people don’t know how to answer to when they hear about them.  The things I don’t tell people so they can be comfortable around me.  The things you can’t tell by looking at me.  If I get hurt because of my self destructive streak I have a wound you can see.  Pain you can identify with, something you can understand.  I don’t have to be that “crazy bitch crying for no good reason”. You can say hey look at her that must really hurt.  You don’t have to shift uncomfortably when you ask why and I tell you that it is the anniversary of my son’s death or his birthday, or I just can’t tell you because I am worried for your comfort.  (or it is something else as deeply personal I cannot share)

I know I am not the only person so deeply alone even when surrounded by people.  Not the only one with doubt whispering until screaming , who revisited everything wondering what could I have done better.

The answer is in saner times you could have done nothing better, you used the tools you had at the time.  You may do it differently now.  Now you probably have a different tool box.  It is okay to walk forward and let the ocean of time wash the footprints out of the sand of your past.  Stop seeing if your feet still fit, you have grown and they no longer do.  Love to those that actually take time to read this.