Living

When I write these I am usually glib and funny.  As a whole I am funny I find the absurdity in the world I live in.  As I have said in an earlier blog I have early onset rapid cycle bipolar illness.  I remember episode much younger than they would normally diagnose the illness.  I didn’t receive real help until  I was in my late teens by then I had engaged in extreme risk taking behaviors and had suffered severe depression.
My illness has made working almost impossible, the worst thing is I feel I have to work to be a real person.  When using have a job I feel like I am without value, even though I have an illness, a serious illness that is caused by a chemical imbalance that is completely beyond my control.  I can not call into work crazy.  So I have to prove that I haven’t simply gotten better, this is compounded by my insistence that I am a real person who can hold down a job and won’t cycle to a depression that will make it so getting out of bed to use the bathroom is an insurmountable obstacle.  This seems unreal to many people they are like get up lazy, we all get sad.  It isn’t the same.  I am not just kick in back in bed think how great it is I get a “mental health  day" . I am paralyzed by the chemicals in my brain not only can I not get up, but every time I close my eyes the most unimaginable images run through my head.  I see things from my past in vivid living color and imagining you probably wouldn’t believe unless you have been through it.  Depression is traumatization.
When I am manic I am an awesome employee, I don’t sleep, I work more hours than anyone, and I can do anything. I also may disappear, engage in unsafe workplace behaviors, buy everything,  and be so sleep deprived that I become emotionally unstable.
Mania is an interesting magical beast.  There is no set way it shows up.  For me no set time I can be fine and then poo f magic mania.   I know most the warning signs now, I  Didn’t before so I was often taken by surprise when I stop sleeping for regular intervals I become very aware of what is going on with my body. Longer intervals of sleep means I may be becoming depressed whereas means shorter mania.  People ask aren’t you on medication? Yes I am.  There is no magic pill.  We have to manage our illness the same as if we are diabetics.  Watching for signs of highs and lows.  Much like diabetics we have to watch what and when we eat, exercise, and sleep.
This is an illness not some spiritual failing or lack of self control.  It is okay to be a human being that is managing and living with an illness.