Living

When I write these I am usually glib and funny.  As a whole I am funny I find the absurdity in the world I live in.  As I have said in an earlier blog I have early onset rapid cycle bipolar illness.  I remember episode much younger than they would normally diagnose the illness.  I didn’t receive real help until  I was in my late teens by then I had engaged in extreme risk taking behaviors and had suffered severe depression.
My illness has made working almost impossible, the worst thing is I feel I have to work to be a real person.  When using have a job I feel like I am without value, even though I have an illness, a serious illness that is caused by a chemical imbalance that is completely beyond my control.  I can not call into work crazy.  So I have to prove that I haven’t simply gotten better, this is compounded by my insistence that I am a real person who can hold down a job and won’t cycle to a depression that will make it so getting out of bed to use the bathroom is an insurmountable obstacle.  This seems unreal to many people they are like get up lazy, we all get sad.  It isn’t the same.  I am not just kick in back in bed think how great it is I get a “mental health  day" . I am paralyzed by the chemicals in my brain not only can I not get up, but every time I close my eyes the most unimaginable images run through my head.  I see things from my past in vivid living color and imagining you probably wouldn’t believe unless you have been through it.  Depression is traumatization.
When I am manic I am an awesome employee, I don’t sleep, I work more hours than anyone, and I can do anything. I also may disappear, engage in unsafe workplace behaviors, buy everything,  and be so sleep deprived that I become emotionally unstable.
Mania is an interesting magical beast.  There is no set way it shows up.  For me no set time I can be fine and then poo f magic mania.   I know most the warning signs now, I  Didn’t before so I was often taken by surprise when I stop sleeping for regular intervals I become very aware of what is going on with my body. Longer intervals of sleep means I may be becoming depressed whereas means shorter mania.  People ask aren’t you on medication? Yes I am.  There is no magic pill.  We have to manage our illness the same as if we are diabetics.  Watching for signs of highs and lows.  Much like diabetics we have to watch what and when we eat, exercise, and sleep.
This is an illness not some spiritual failing or lack of self control.  It is okay to be a human being that is managing and living with an illness.

In my Darkest Hours

Make-believe it is what makes it so we can make it through each day.  The lies we tell ourselves.  Our importance, who we are, and the people who will be there for us.  We are connected to so many people; we are related to some and choose others. Often we inflate what we mean to them, we do this based on the good times.  Want to know who you really matter to, be imperfect.  Have problems like the rest of the world.  Watch the fair-weather smiles fade and the radio silence begin.  POOF!
I am not just jaded, I have this hard won knowledge from 20+ years of a chemical imbalance and just being human.  Life is hard enough without gremlins in your brain messing with your emotions and perceptions.  Throw in a really good heart and a want  to truly help people and you have a recipe for the lowest downs in the Bipolar rocket slide of doom.  When you are down you realize no has missed you as you spent a week hidden from the world. I am often sobbing and without hope, ambition, direction, and am so low that it is a chore to get out of bed to use the bathroom.  I at times reach out hoping someone  would care like I would about them.  I would show up help them get out of bed and tell them how much I love, care, and am happy to have them in my life.  Me I lay here sometimes with horrible images and even worse thoughts in my head.  The knowledge no one has noted my absence and if they have they don’t care.  I am alone and alien in a world, that just days ago I fit into.
High school has never ended people never tell you why all of a sudden you went from beloved friend to pariah.  You are never clear what you did wrong.  If it is about it you at all!  Family is no better they can turn you too. Or worse show apathy for the situation.  These are the people contractually obligated to love you.  Where are they?
So when things suck or your life is in pieces the only people there are the ones that really care.  I have 3 or 4 ride and die friends. They are so far away.  Some have change over the years.  Some fell away like the other “grown high schoolers”. Faded Fair-weather smiles. Radio silence commenced.  In the ended I know that there is only a few people that even mourn my absence or even care.  When I am not around my phone is quieter than ever.  No white horses with friends who are happy I am in the world will come through my door.  It leaves me wondering  who will miss me when I am truly gone.
 I still win the fight with the monsters in my head. It is savage and I have no brothers or sisters to call in my darkest hours.  When I reach out into the darkness there is no hand to hold but my demons’.  They are always there and always whispering.

Not fair

Hey all I know it's been a minute since I wrote last.  I have been having trouble  with my will to write, breath, get up, think, and just exist.



THAT'S  NOT FAIR! The battle cry of every child.  We have all said it usually to be answered with “Life’s not fair.” I believe even as kids we meant that is not just.  We had a keen idea of justice and what it meant but not the words to describe it.  In our hearts and minds we knew when things were unjust, we wanted thing to be just for us and our friends.  I was always sensitive I hated to see others kept out or hurt.  I felt guilt (sometimes still get twinges as an adult when memories stir) when I was unkind.
We are disconnected even more so than ever, which is ironic considering our technology has made our world more connected than ever. We no longer notice the unjust or unfair.  Not unless it is on a social media feed a million times.  Even then what do we really do about it.  Send thoughts and prayers change our status and profile picture.  Post some stupid guilt meme “only heartless people will scroll past”, then we go about our day good deed done.  Some really special people troll the sites and fake involvement  for notoriety or benefit, (I.e stolen valor, fake witnesses, fake tipsters) there is a special place for you. Yet at the end of the day what has been done to truly help and make a difference.  It has become so bad that the people you should depend on are no longer dependable.  When I was a child I was taught if something goes wrong run to the neighbors house, ask a police person to help you, and you can call 911.  Now we so not know our neighbors, the police may not even stop, and 911 has longer holds than DMV lines.  Who can you turn to?
It is scary to live in this new disconnected  world.  We are all bystanders, there are very few involved people and even less justice.  It is sad that when our parents told us Life's not fair.  They really should have said that Life's not just.  That would have been the truest and most important lesson we could have learned.

When Whispers Become Screams

I feel so isolated.  I am often alone.  I don’t mind being with myself most of the time, but then there are times when the voice of doubt starts whispering.  The whisper grows until it is screaming in my ear.  Sometimes it gets so loud I say what it says out loud, like if I affirm it somehow I can quiet it again.

  I go over the agonies of my life weigh my reactions.  Whip myself for past wrong doing.  Wonder if the bridges I have burnt can be rebuilt.  Wonder if the bridges were burned by me or by the other party,  who spread the gas, and who struck the match.  Was it equally lit or did one do more than the other?  We are often told it takes two to tango, but I can tell you if one person truly wants to dance you can be an unwilling partner.  I have dragged people around the dance floor of my issues and been dragged by hair around theirs.

When doubt is screaming I am always to blame.  I am shamed and helpless in the grip of my guilt wondering why I do the things I do. It isn’t reality it is an idea that somehow I am bad, unintelligent, useless, and the cause of everything that has gone wrong in my life.  It creates this petulant place inside me that wants to punish me.
Sometimes I think that this self-destructive streak comes from this deep never ending place of pain and grief inside my soul. A part that is there all the time but doesn’t show always.  The part that sobs for my losses; the things most people don’t know how to answer to when they hear about them.  The things I don’t tell people so they can be comfortable around me.  The things you can’t tell by looking at me.  If I get hurt because of my self destructive streak I have a wound you can see.  Pain you can identify with, something you can understand.  I don’t have to be that “crazy bitch crying for no good reason”. You can say hey look at her that must really hurt.  You don’t have to shift uncomfortably when you ask why and I tell you that it is the anniversary of my son’s death or his birthday, or I just can’t tell you because I am worried for your comfort.  (or it is something else as deeply personal I cannot share)

I know I am not the only person so deeply alone even when surrounded by people.  Not the only one with doubt whispering until screaming , who revisited everything wondering what could I have done better.

The answer is in saner times you could have done nothing better, you used the tools you had at the time.  You may do it differently now.  Now you probably have a different tool box.  It is okay to walk forward and let the ocean of time wash the footprints out of the sand of your past.  Stop seeing if your feet still fit, you have grown and they no longer do.  Love to those that actually take time to read this.

We all suffer

I see your confusion.  You seem to have forgotten that I am a human being.  Let me help you.  I am like you in the important ways.  I love, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I pray, and I believe.
I love my children. I love other people even the shitty ones.  I stay away from them because they hurt me.  They lack understanding and the ability to see beyond themselves or the petty differences. I mean petty things like color of skin, how or who you pray to, your circumstances, or even the body you are going through this life in.
Laughter gets me through. Sometimes I lose it.  I can’t find it in all this.  I become self destructive and just so saddened by it all.  I see the lack of humanity and the inability to give.  Even those that are on the fringe and pushed out emulating the system and politics they despise for forcing them out.   They become judgmental and as sick as that system.  When you hang with the outside you have to watch what you say because you might step on toes it is as nerve wracking as a high society dinner.
I cry, hope, and pray almost every day I cry because it is so hard to live here like this.  I hope and pray for change and a better tomorrow.
I am still nieve enough that I really believe in it.  That it is temporary things will get better. Not only for me but for the world. We all suffer I know this. we all need.
 People no longer recognize one another no longer see.  We have become terminally selfish and self involved. We are killing community and our society.  Believe me you need the tribe to survive.  We  are no longer a whole.  We are broken and splintered to busy misjudging and being offended to truly connected. As long as we are yelling “MINE MINE MINE” and driving hard for the gold.  We are not United.  Our devided house is quietly falling.

Forged in Fire

Hello again,
I know you all don’t know me but what I wrote here.  So let me talk about another facet of my personality.  This is the part of Elizabeth that alienates people.  I will turn you off with a couple things: 1. I will have the best of intentions and you will hate me for it. 2. I will find the absurdity and sometimes politically incorrect hilarious. 3. I will not be dominated. 4.  I know the risks have been forged in the fire and still walk back in to fight the good fight.
So for number one.  I will talk to you straight up.  I have the best of intent,  want to check in with you. I will however ask you about it with truth like “ I know you have this problem just making sure you are safe” this is sometimes to much for them.  To honest, their not ready, to blunt, or just whatever.  This makes people disconnect now I know I can’t make everyone happy I try to be gentle.  I want them to know I love them and care about their safety.  For other people it is a relief we don’t have to play games and try to figure out how to approach the T-Rex slobbering in the corner.  (sometimes the T-Rex is me)
Number two.  This is a tricky one.  I find life absurd a so funny. This is sometimes bothersome to people but that just has to do with the fact they do not get satire. It is the fact that we are all so politically correct and so scared of offending people that we are like porcupines wrapped in cacti prickly about everything people say or even think that we get mad about the littlest things.  (disclaimer time for those who know me know I am one of the most inclusive accept everybody for who they are people)  well the other night I was talking to a few young people one set looked Latino and the other were very Anglo and the Latino couple had said they referred to the Anglo couple as “da bruders” now I started laughing and couldn’t stop for a minute. This offended the Anglo couple (which I am very sorry), I understand I am not a nice lady I get it.  I am not always going to be politically correct.  It doesn’t make me think anyone is better than another.  I in fact do not believe in race because it is a social construct made to explain one person’s superiority. Genetically penguins have more difference than human beings. I am very big on referring to people as people.  But sometimes shit is just funny. Stop being so serious.
Number three I will never conform to what someone tells me to be.  I will take the ass whooping(sometimes literally)  stand up and continue to be me.  I will still say what I think is right, tell someone to be kind, and even stop something that is blatantly wrong.  You can try to bully me, guilt me, and even hit me.  I will not be dominated this disconnect I am totally okay with.
Number 4 this one I find a lot with other women.  They seem to think that because I do not sit quietly that no one has tried to teach me what women do.  That I am not channeled.  I am strong and have a strong voice because I have fought so hard to be heard over those that have tried to shut me up.  I was quiet and sweet once.  That voice was not heard in those world.  I was forged in the fire and came out stronger. Beautiful thing do not just happen.  They are made by the most destructive forces.  You are sculpted then tested in the fires.  I have only accomplished all I have because I do not shy from the fires that forged me.

Judge, Jury and Whatever

Mother Teresa said many wise and wonderful things. One that stands out for my thoughts is “If you judge people, you have no time to love them” I find I am often judged.  I am perplexed as to why people around me feel like they not only are allowed, but are entitled to judge me.  In the end their judgements teach me about them.
These judgements teach me that they are really small people; who often think themselves bigger, better, and somehow more than I. The people who judge me think their personhood is somehow intrinsically of more value than mine.
The judgement comes from an ignorant place.  A willful ignorance of who I am, the struggles I have faced, my hurts, my isolations, and the great will it has taken for me to get every piece of ground I have gained.  I pity the littleness inside them that causes this fear and ignorance. Does it hurt me? Of course it does. It hurts me very bad that my intent is assumed as negative. That my passion is seen as aggression or overbearing. I get excited by the opportunity to exchange information and have an intelligent conversation that I am often seen as the “know it all”.  I am very clear that these judgement have to do with them. If they like me is about them.  I am good and well liked by others and they get me.
I cannot help how some see me.  I cannot help that I love, I love to laugh, or make those around me laugh, I fill myself full to bursting with the life around me.  I will be the first on the dance floor and probably the last to leave.  If I ask you how things are mean it. I am genuine.
It is out of our control how the world around us takes that. Do not allow the slings and arrows of the scared and  scarred make you like them.  Remember to fit into a dysfunctional system you must be as dysfunctional.  Do you want to be messed up enough to fit into the system that judged you for being who you are?