Please Be the Light

I never will be as Pink Floyd describes Comfortably Numb; I guess that is the beauty of my illness. I feel everything and I feel it so intensely that sometimes it is like being someone else.  It can be delicious in the maniac moments of the burning highs, yet it can be torture in deep despairing sadness of depression. That can spread over me like the nothing spreading over Fantasia in The Never-ending Story; it happens without warning and without mercy.
   The endless lists happen in both mania and depression the contents are what change. In mania it is the endless things I will accomplish and do, fix and wrongs to right. In depression it failures all with me to blame, wrongs, dashed hopes, endless news stories of crushed innocence and the consequences of an apathetic me me me society.  Sickend and weeping yet never am I numb.  I dream of my own ability close out this world of sycophants and narcissists to be able to turn away from the old woman begging on the corner.
   Today I have been sad to my soul wanting to weep for all those that lost their innocence.  That were hurt or driven down by the cruelties of this world and society that values it’s own reflection more than the pure flower of love growing beside it.  I read about cruel people who hurt or injury pure living souls and the raging damage they cause in the lives of the ones that loved the one they hurt.  I feel that sadness into my soul and I cannot fathom what creates that evil.
    I never wish to be truly numb.  That would mean to be apathetic and to lose my humanity. That I would and could not bare.  In our times of great horrors find the good better yet be the good.  Of you look around and cannot find the light; Please hold your torch higher some one is looking to you.

Invisibility and other Useless Superpowers

   I have super powers.  I am invisible, but this only happens when I truly need to be seen,  I don’t know how it get triggered.  I have been working with local laboratories to find the answers.  I think it happens that the greater my need the more translucent I become.  I think this especially works over social media.  Which I think I have a very unhealthy codependent relationship with.(not that I have ever heard of a health codependent relationship) Sometimes I just need a like because I am feeling needy and no one likes me…*sob*.  Other times my invisibility cloak seems glued on are the times we really need things like food or a real help and no one see me.
   I also look like that person who you know.  It must happen a thousand times a day someone asks me if I am that one person.  My answer is usually “Depends, do they owe you money or do you owe them money?”  but people never recognize the person they owe money to.  Thank goodness I am not that person.  I owe people money don’t get me wrong.  I pay it over time slowly and painfully.  I am good like that.
   I have evil villain powers too.  I try not to use those.  That can be quite a challenge. I try to remember that it only takes a second to say something I can never unsay. I have heart seeking words that will cut right to the bone and leave open wounds.  I know what will hurt and how bad.  It is a horrible power and ability.  It is something in my youth I would use without thought our care of effect or consequence.  I am not talking of what it cost me but what it cost those the dagger struck.
  I have learnt that kindness takes but a second, however so does vileness. You can build or destroy with the opening of your mouth or the stroke of a few keys.  Deliberate what you choose to do.  Be slow to anger and slow to destroy what others have built.  You do not know if the foundation they have is in sand or stone.  Speak with kindness today and put love into the universe we all need it.  See those standing before you.

Surprise!

Remember when surprises were magical things?  Not the unknown dread of a forgotten Bill or an emergency lurking around the corner like a scary stranger with a puppy.  When the world felt safe and the extra dollar in your pocket would be meant only for a lovely treat.
  Now any extra money comes with the dread that when you have it the universe will conspire against you and it will have to be spent on some emergency.
  I miss magical super cool things just happening,  I am a grown up now and have to make that magic stuff happen.  Wouldn't be nice to find the surprise trip to Disneyland or some exciting local.
  The fact is that will never happen again for us.  The grown-up club.  Well it might if you married really well or manage to date super great.  People like me nope not happening and most the populace not going to happen again.  We are stuck with the: Surprise! Your rent is increasing. Surprise! Your transmission just fell out.  Surprise! You house needs to be tented. ( I didn't even know my house liked camping)

Welcome to adulthood.. There is no Pixie Dust here.

Brain on the Rack and other Tortures.

So I racked my brain trying to figure out what to write tonight.  I was empty couldn't figure it out for the life of me.  What injustices need me to fly in and shine my light of justice on.  Well the answer never really sprung out at me but other things floated through my disorganized brain.
  Why are we as a society so screwed up?  Our priorities are totally out of order.  We blame the victim and cheer the aggressor like a hero. Willing to give to frivolous endeavors but when people are in true need we seem to be offended by their trembling hand before us.
  We go on and on about how we should make a difference but only vote when it comes to television talent shows.  When the fate of our country is on the line we can't be bothered them we throw a tantrum when we do not like the out come.  Really!
   When did the fate of the latest reality tv show mean more than that of your neighbor.  Why do we let our elderly go hungry while we glorify people behaving like spoiled, self center, ego centric monsters.  It is no wonder our generations have become more and more entitled we have taught them the behavior is not only okay it is encouraged.
    Children once were taught that they were to take care of their parents as their parents took care of them.  Now they are taught to dump things that are inconvenient.
    Our families are broken down and we are all doomed.

Dear People of Substance

Dear people of substance,

       Most of us without a home did not choose this life.  We did not make bad choices we just lacked opportunities that many of you had. Many of us are sick, disabled, elderly, and poor. Some of us have even fought and been wounded in Wars for you.  Agencies that are there to help the homeless are just flat out under funded and over stretched,  there are more mouths at the table than there is food.   We have family, jobs, and try to hold it together even with many of you looking down your nose and resenting us for our mere existence.  Imagine how hard it is to hold down a job when you have no home to go to at night no idea where you’re going to park your car or RV so that you can sleep and try to get your kids to school in the morning, once that’s done you must get ready and get to work often times having to drive your home and keep it a secret so you can keep your job.  If you don’t have a job trying to get a job is practically impossible; you need an address you need to be able to receive mail, calls clean up, and look presentable in order to you have to find places where you can use a bathroom to do this.

        If you are disabled and are trying to find a home you probably will never get housing, apartments are expensive and they expect you to make 2 to 2 and a half times the rent in order to qualify.  Low income housing has incredibly long waiting lists and incredibly hard criteria. If you do get accepted into regular housing you will probably be renting from a slumlord who takes advantage of you and come up with every reason to take more and more of your very limited benefits.  In these places that you are paying exorbitant amounts, for you will find that you are living in a place that is not fit for human habitation,  repairs will not be done,  and if you argue with them you will find yourself evicted. This of course is illegal however the law can only protect those who can afford to access it (court costs, that after filing and winning, the landlord will be responsible for but you will have to pay up front) as person of limited means you cannot. 

Next comes the problem of being able to pay your bills you don’t get enough to pay rent, bills, and, buy the basic necessities. Many times you have to choose between toilet paper and toothpaste or food and clothing.  This problem is only exacerbated if you have a family.  

   I know in our society that we believe one is only poor because they don’t work hard enough.  There are many reasons there isn’t enough money.  Cost of living has far exceeded minimum wages and social security benefits (retirement and disabled).  Many states penalize the disabled by counting each penny against food benefits so there is never enough food or rent and bill money.  The disabled are not just gaming the system as many seem to believe; they have to go through thorough screening and rescreening to receive benefits.  Many people on tanf are not gaming the system either that is a myth,  many are middle aged single mothers that their husbands left and now have to figure out a system they looked down on before.  They never thought they would be there. 

      Without education they still have to live hand to mouth and never will be able to live on their feet again.  Getting child support and fair alimony proves very difficult in the system we live in, many just won’t pay and others find ways to get out of it all together.  Agencies that are suppose to help the poor get employment are not interested in if you get a living wage just that you get a job.  

  The poor are judged for having children yet services like Planned Parenthood and Health Departments that provide birth control get their funding slashed each year.  Which do people want birth control or women with another baby each year.  Of course the poor could just stop having sex but so could the rich(it isn’t going to happen basic human instincts). 

   Tolerance should be a basic human instinct but unfortunately it isn’t and we choose to hate and to judge one another.  We judge on so many superficial levels: economics, race, religion, sexuality, our identities, and even how we look.  It is sad that although we are all homosapiens we are not all Human Beings. Chose to be a Human Being. 

Fat Girls don't get Sugar Daddies and Other Life Lessons

  So I am here again. Before you guys grab your pitch forks and torches and round up the lynch mob. I feel I must disclaim some of what I say is satirical.  Some is in all seriousness but other things in in an over larger fun house mirror.
     Life lessons I have learned over my time.  First when you are poor and crazy it really really sucks.  You don't get those fancy names like quirky, eccentric, or passionate. You get fun names like deranged, lunatic, and demented. With such fantastic monikers you can imagine how difficult dealing others can be.  
    When you are feeling anything people question it, even when it is perfectly organic.  When you are angry because of a legitimate reason people are like " did you take your medication today?" or you are sad again they ask that stupid question.  Stop asking that! One medication does not make me stop being a person (okay sometimes it does), two have you ever been in the medication they try to give us?  The prescribing process alone makes you feel like one of those duck shoot games at the fair.  They take a bunch of pills throw them at you and see which one knocks over the duck.
   Once they knocked over the duck you get to deal with the side effects.  Just a couple off the top of my head: confusion, weight gain, tiredness, hair loss, Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, damage to the teeth and gums, tremors (which may become permanent).  So now you are dumb, sick, unattractive and fat. Thank medicine I feel so much better.  Who are you medicating me for?
   I must clarify when they say weight gain they are not saying oh poo I gained 20 lbs, they are talking significant weight gain like what the he'll happened I was 150 lbs now I am 200 lbs or more.  They lie to you and say it isn't that bad and it is only at the begining but once it gets there it stays.  
   Unfortunately in our society it is okay to be crazy and attractive but people think they can save the pretty, young train wreck.  Let me tell you fat girl don't get sugar daddies and have to save themselves.  
  I have learn to be able to save myself.  I have learned to ask the important questions when I go to the doctor. When we discuss medication I longer sit on my rail and quack.  I do my own research.  I am capable of saying no.   I have control over my own body.  
I am also personally responsible for my actions. I have an illness it does not have me.  I do not use it as an excuse.  

So here i am

    Okay, so I am not sure how many of you really will show up and read these rantings, writings, thoughts, and profound statements.
    I have led a crazy life, not just because I am crazy,  life itself has grabbed me by the ear and dragged me through the mud.  I generally get up and get a shower then laugh and tell my friends all about it.  If there is one thing I have learned is how to get the joke. I am talking the cosmic joke that we live each day (no I am not reducing the miracle of life to a joke) but really have you looked at the absurdity all around us..
     My Life has gone from good to bad to worse to worse still.  Yet I smile and expect the sun to come out tomorrow(which is really sad because I live in Oregon and it is sunny like 2 months of the year)  like an orphan with a rich new daddy.  
       Okay so like the title of my blog days I live with Bipolar disorder.  I have been managing my disease for 20 years for those of you who don't know what the illness is like it is like living on the ride the Intimidator 305 everyday but the track keeps changing.  Even you don't know what you are going to do.  One day you are fine the next day they are dragging you out of a bar where you made new friends with very scary men.  Most the time I am Clark Kent some days I am Superman (the one who hides in the fortress of solitude) and others Lex Luther. The fact is it is tough.
     That isn't my whole identity though I am many things like most of you are. I am a daughter. I have been a wife. I am a mother.  I have been an advocate for my kids and other people.  I volunteer and help where I can. I am a fierce and loyal friend.  I want good things.  I hope for beauty and kindness in the world around me.  I am like most people.
     I have kept a stable home and cared for my children and other people for years in spite of my illness. I have held the world together for more than just myself.
     I find the media's depiction of the mentally ill particularly hurtful I am not that and many I know are not either we are just folk trying to get by.  I am watch the way people react when they find out about my illness some are shocked and ask if I am sure, others go away, and some are just there for the good time the ups bring.


I guess this is enough for now I will write more tomorrow.