Living

When I write these I am usually glib and funny.  As a whole I am funny I find the absurdity in the world I live in.  As I have said in an earlier blog I have early onset rapid cycle bipolar illness.  I remember episode much younger than they would normally diagnose the illness.  I didn’t receive real help until  I was in my late teens by then I had engaged in extreme risk taking behaviors and had suffered severe depression.
My illness has made working almost impossible, the worst thing is I feel I have to work to be a real person.  When using have a job I feel like I am without value, even though I have an illness, a serious illness that is caused by a chemical imbalance that is completely beyond my control.  I can not call into work crazy.  So I have to prove that I haven’t simply gotten better, this is compounded by my insistence that I am a real person who can hold down a job and won’t cycle to a depression that will make it so getting out of bed to use the bathroom is an insurmountable obstacle.  This seems unreal to many people they are like get up lazy, we all get sad.  It isn’t the same.  I am not just kick in back in bed think how great it is I get a “mental health  day" . I am paralyzed by the chemicals in my brain not only can I not get up, but every time I close my eyes the most unimaginable images run through my head.  I see things from my past in vivid living color and imagining you probably wouldn’t believe unless you have been through it.  Depression is traumatization.
When I am manic I am an awesome employee, I don’t sleep, I work more hours than anyone, and I can do anything. I also may disappear, engage in unsafe workplace behaviors, buy everything,  and be so sleep deprived that I become emotionally unstable.
Mania is an interesting magical beast.  There is no set way it shows up.  For me no set time I can be fine and then poo f magic mania.   I know most the warning signs now, I  Didn’t before so I was often taken by surprise when I stop sleeping for regular intervals I become very aware of what is going on with my body. Longer intervals of sleep means I may be becoming depressed whereas means shorter mania.  People ask aren’t you on medication? Yes I am.  There is no magic pill.  We have to manage our illness the same as if we are diabetics.  Watching for signs of highs and lows.  Much like diabetics we have to watch what and when we eat, exercise, and sleep.
This is an illness not some spiritual failing or lack of self control.  It is okay to be a human being that is managing and living with an illness.

In my Darkest Hours

Make-believe it is what makes it so we can make it through each day.  The lies we tell ourselves.  Our importance, who we are, and the people who will be there for us.  We are connected to so many people; we are related to some and choose others. Often we inflate what we mean to them, we do this based on the good times.  Want to know who you really matter to, be imperfect.  Have problems like the rest of the world.  Watch the fair-weather smiles fade and the radio silence begin.  POOF!
I am not just jaded, I have this hard won knowledge from 20+ years of a chemical imbalance and just being human.  Life is hard enough without gremlins in your brain messing with your emotions and perceptions.  Throw in a really good heart and a want  to truly help people and you have a recipe for the lowest downs in the Bipolar rocket slide of doom.  When you are down you realize no has missed you as you spent a week hidden from the world. I am often sobbing and without hope, ambition, direction, and am so low that it is a chore to get out of bed to use the bathroom.  I at times reach out hoping someone  would care like I would about them.  I would show up help them get out of bed and tell them how much I love, care, and am happy to have them in my life.  Me I lay here sometimes with horrible images and even worse thoughts in my head.  The knowledge no one has noted my absence and if they have they don’t care.  I am alone and alien in a world, that just days ago I fit into.
High school has never ended people never tell you why all of a sudden you went from beloved friend to pariah.  You are never clear what you did wrong.  If it is about it you at all!  Family is no better they can turn you too. Or worse show apathy for the situation.  These are the people contractually obligated to love you.  Where are they?
So when things suck or your life is in pieces the only people there are the ones that really care.  I have 3 or 4 ride and die friends. They are so far away.  Some have change over the years.  Some fell away like the other “grown high schoolers”. Faded Fair-weather smiles. Radio silence commenced.  In the ended I know that there is only a few people that even mourn my absence or even care.  When I am not around my phone is quieter than ever.  No white horses with friends who are happy I am in the world will come through my door.  It leaves me wondering  who will miss me when I am truly gone.
 I still win the fight with the monsters in my head. It is savage and I have no brothers or sisters to call in my darkest hours.  When I reach out into the darkness there is no hand to hold but my demons’.  They are always there and always whispering.

Not fair

Hey all I know it's been a minute since I wrote last.  I have been having trouble  with my will to write, breath, get up, think, and just exist.



THAT'S  NOT FAIR! The battle cry of every child.  We have all said it usually to be answered with “Life’s not fair.” I believe even as kids we meant that is not just.  We had a keen idea of justice and what it meant but not the words to describe it.  In our hearts and minds we knew when things were unjust, we wanted thing to be just for us and our friends.  I was always sensitive I hated to see others kept out or hurt.  I felt guilt (sometimes still get twinges as an adult when memories stir) when I was unkind.
We are disconnected even more so than ever, which is ironic considering our technology has made our world more connected than ever. We no longer notice the unjust or unfair.  Not unless it is on a social media feed a million times.  Even then what do we really do about it.  Send thoughts and prayers change our status and profile picture.  Post some stupid guilt meme “only heartless people will scroll past”, then we go about our day good deed done.  Some really special people troll the sites and fake involvement  for notoriety or benefit, (I.e stolen valor, fake witnesses, fake tipsters) there is a special place for you. Yet at the end of the day what has been done to truly help and make a difference.  It has become so bad that the people you should depend on are no longer dependable.  When I was a child I was taught if something goes wrong run to the neighbors house, ask a police person to help you, and you can call 911.  Now we so not know our neighbors, the police may not even stop, and 911 has longer holds than DMV lines.  Who can you turn to?
It is scary to live in this new disconnected  world.  We are all bystanders, there are very few involved people and even less justice.  It is sad that when our parents told us Life's not fair.  They really should have said that Life's not just.  That would have been the truest and most important lesson we could have learned.

When Whispers Become Screams

I feel so isolated.  I am often alone.  I don’t mind being with myself most of the time, but then there are times when the voice of doubt starts whispering.  The whisper grows until it is screaming in my ear.  Sometimes it gets so loud I say what it says out loud, like if I affirm it somehow I can quiet it again.

  I go over the agonies of my life weigh my reactions.  Whip myself for past wrong doing.  Wonder if the bridges I have burnt can be rebuilt.  Wonder if the bridges were burned by me or by the other party,  who spread the gas, and who struck the match.  Was it equally lit or did one do more than the other?  We are often told it takes two to tango, but I can tell you if one person truly wants to dance you can be an unwilling partner.  I have dragged people around the dance floor of my issues and been dragged by hair around theirs.

When doubt is screaming I am always to blame.  I am shamed and helpless in the grip of my guilt wondering why I do the things I do. It isn’t reality it is an idea that somehow I am bad, unintelligent, useless, and the cause of everything that has gone wrong in my life.  It creates this petulant place inside me that wants to punish me.
Sometimes I think that this self-destructive streak comes from this deep never ending place of pain and grief inside my soul. A part that is there all the time but doesn’t show always.  The part that sobs for my losses; the things most people don’t know how to answer to when they hear about them.  The things I don’t tell people so they can be comfortable around me.  The things you can’t tell by looking at me.  If I get hurt because of my self destructive streak I have a wound you can see.  Pain you can identify with, something you can understand.  I don’t have to be that “crazy bitch crying for no good reason”. You can say hey look at her that must really hurt.  You don’t have to shift uncomfortably when you ask why and I tell you that it is the anniversary of my son’s death or his birthday, or I just can’t tell you because I am worried for your comfort.  (or it is something else as deeply personal I cannot share)

I know I am not the only person so deeply alone even when surrounded by people.  Not the only one with doubt whispering until screaming , who revisited everything wondering what could I have done better.

The answer is in saner times you could have done nothing better, you used the tools you had at the time.  You may do it differently now.  Now you probably have a different tool box.  It is okay to walk forward and let the ocean of time wash the footprints out of the sand of your past.  Stop seeing if your feet still fit, you have grown and they no longer do.  Love to those that actually take time to read this.

We all suffer

I see your confusion.  You seem to have forgotten that I am a human being.  Let me help you.  I am like you in the important ways.  I love, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I pray, and I believe.
I love my children. I love other people even the shitty ones.  I stay away from them because they hurt me.  They lack understanding and the ability to see beyond themselves or the petty differences. I mean petty things like color of skin, how or who you pray to, your circumstances, or even the body you are going through this life in.
Laughter gets me through. Sometimes I lose it.  I can’t find it in all this.  I become self destructive and just so saddened by it all.  I see the lack of humanity and the inability to give.  Even those that are on the fringe and pushed out emulating the system and politics they despise for forcing them out.   They become judgmental and as sick as that system.  When you hang with the outside you have to watch what you say because you might step on toes it is as nerve wracking as a high society dinner.
I cry, hope, and pray almost every day I cry because it is so hard to live here like this.  I hope and pray for change and a better tomorrow.
I am still nieve enough that I really believe in it.  That it is temporary things will get better. Not only for me but for the world. We all suffer I know this. we all need.
 People no longer recognize one another no longer see.  We have become terminally selfish and self involved. We are killing community and our society.  Believe me you need the tribe to survive.  We  are no longer a whole.  We are broken and splintered to busy misjudging and being offended to truly connected. As long as we are yelling “MINE MINE MINE” and driving hard for the gold.  We are not United.  Our devided house is quietly falling.

Forged in Fire

Hello again,
I know you all don’t know me but what I wrote here.  So let me talk about another facet of my personality.  This is the part of Elizabeth that alienates people.  I will turn you off with a couple things: 1. I will have the best of intentions and you will hate me for it. 2. I will find the absurdity and sometimes politically incorrect hilarious. 3. I will not be dominated. 4.  I know the risks have been forged in the fire and still walk back in to fight the good fight.
So for number one.  I will talk to you straight up.  I have the best of intent,  want to check in with you. I will however ask you about it with truth like “ I know you have this problem just making sure you are safe” this is sometimes to much for them.  To honest, their not ready, to blunt, or just whatever.  This makes people disconnect now I know I can’t make everyone happy I try to be gentle.  I want them to know I love them and care about their safety.  For other people it is a relief we don’t have to play games and try to figure out how to approach the T-Rex slobbering in the corner.  (sometimes the T-Rex is me)
Number two.  This is a tricky one.  I find life absurd a so funny. This is sometimes bothersome to people but that just has to do with the fact they do not get satire. It is the fact that we are all so politically correct and so scared of offending people that we are like porcupines wrapped in cacti prickly about everything people say or even think that we get mad about the littlest things.  (disclaimer time for those who know me know I am one of the most inclusive accept everybody for who they are people)  well the other night I was talking to a few young people one set looked Latino and the other were very Anglo and the Latino couple had said they referred to the Anglo couple as “da bruders” now I started laughing and couldn’t stop for a minute. This offended the Anglo couple (which I am very sorry), I understand I am not a nice lady I get it.  I am not always going to be politically correct.  It doesn’t make me think anyone is better than another.  I in fact do not believe in race because it is a social construct made to explain one person’s superiority. Genetically penguins have more difference than human beings. I am very big on referring to people as people.  But sometimes shit is just funny. Stop being so serious.
Number three I will never conform to what someone tells me to be.  I will take the ass whooping(sometimes literally)  stand up and continue to be me.  I will still say what I think is right, tell someone to be kind, and even stop something that is blatantly wrong.  You can try to bully me, guilt me, and even hit me.  I will not be dominated this disconnect I am totally okay with.
Number 4 this one I find a lot with other women.  They seem to think that because I do not sit quietly that no one has tried to teach me what women do.  That I am not channeled.  I am strong and have a strong voice because I have fought so hard to be heard over those that have tried to shut me up.  I was quiet and sweet once.  That voice was not heard in those world.  I was forged in the fire and came out stronger. Beautiful thing do not just happen.  They are made by the most destructive forces.  You are sculpted then tested in the fires.  I have only accomplished all I have because I do not shy from the fires that forged me.

Judge, Jury and Whatever

Mother Teresa said many wise and wonderful things. One that stands out for my thoughts is “If you judge people, you have no time to love them” I find I am often judged.  I am perplexed as to why people around me feel like they not only are allowed, but are entitled to judge me.  In the end their judgements teach me about them.
These judgements teach me that they are really small people; who often think themselves bigger, better, and somehow more than I. The people who judge me think their personhood is somehow intrinsically of more value than mine.
The judgement comes from an ignorant place.  A willful ignorance of who I am, the struggles I have faced, my hurts, my isolations, and the great will it has taken for me to get every piece of ground I have gained.  I pity the littleness inside them that causes this fear and ignorance. Does it hurt me? Of course it does. It hurts me very bad that my intent is assumed as negative. That my passion is seen as aggression or overbearing. I get excited by the opportunity to exchange information and have an intelligent conversation that I am often seen as the “know it all”.  I am very clear that these judgement have to do with them. If they like me is about them.  I am good and well liked by others and they get me.
I cannot help how some see me.  I cannot help that I love, I love to laugh, or make those around me laugh, I fill myself full to bursting with the life around me.  I will be the first on the dance floor and probably the last to leave.  If I ask you how things are mean it. I am genuine.
It is out of our control how the world around us takes that. Do not allow the slings and arrows of the scared and  scarred make you like them.  Remember to fit into a dysfunctional system you must be as dysfunctional.  Do you want to be messed up enough to fit into the system that judged you for being who you are?

The alien among them

Remember being like 5 when you just felt like you belonged.  No matter where you were.  School, home, and even just in the community you never had that feeling of otherhood.  That sense of not belonging there, like an alien left behind.
  I feel like that often in a group of people like I am other.  I know it is the voice inside me.  It does not make it any less real,  less true yes, less real for me No.  I compensate by becoming super funny and charming and a bit too gregarious.
  I  know this can make others somewhat off put.  I attract the wrong attention a lot to.  I can blame all kinds of things not fitting in in school.  Not marching to the drum everyone else does.  Not wanting views forced on me.  I am strong willed and very strong voiced this can make others feel like it is aggressive but I am not willing to but pushed to your way of thinking.  Can I be persuaded well yes the use of cake is often very useful in that regard.

  Buddhists believe that the only mind that cannot learn is a closed mind.  There is no one truth.  So if you have decided a truth you cannot see the other possible truths.

Please Be the Light

I never will be as Pink Floyd describes Comfortably Numb; I guess that is the beauty of my illness. I feel everything and I feel it so intensely that sometimes it is like being someone else.  It can be delicious in the maniac moments of the burning highs, yet it can be torture in deep despairing sadness of depression. That can spread over me like the nothing spreading over Fantasia in The Never-ending Story; it happens without warning and without mercy.
   The endless lists happen in both mania and depression the contents are what change. In mania it is the endless things I will accomplish and do, fix and wrongs to right. In depression it failures all with me to blame, wrongs, dashed hopes, endless news stories of crushed innocence and the consequences of an apathetic me me me society.  Sickend and weeping yet never am I numb.  I dream of my own ability close out this world of sycophants and narcissists to be able to turn away from the old woman begging on the corner.
   Today I have been sad to my soul wanting to weep for all those that lost their innocence.  That were hurt or driven down by the cruelties of this world and society that values it’s own reflection more than the pure flower of love growing beside it.  I read about cruel people who hurt or injury pure living souls and the raging damage they cause in the lives of the ones that loved the one they hurt.  I feel that sadness into my soul and I cannot fathom what creates that evil.
    I never wish to be truly numb.  That would mean to be apathetic and to lose my humanity. That I would and could not bare.  In our times of great horrors find the good better yet be the good.  Of you look around and cannot find the light; Please hold your torch higher some one is looking to you.

Invisibility and other Useless Superpowers

   I have super powers.  I am invisible, but this only happens when I truly need to be seen,  I don’t know how it get triggered.  I have been working with local laboratories to find the answers.  I think it happens that the greater my need the more translucent I become.  I think this especially works over social media.  Which I think I have a very unhealthy codependent relationship with.(not that I have ever heard of a health codependent relationship) Sometimes I just need a like because I am feeling needy and no one likes me…*sob*.  Other times my invisibility cloak seems glued on are the times we really need things like food or a real help and no one see me.
   I also look like that person who you know.  It must happen a thousand times a day someone asks me if I am that one person.  My answer is usually “Depends, do they owe you money or do you owe them money?”  but people never recognize the person they owe money to.  Thank goodness I am not that person.  I owe people money don’t get me wrong.  I pay it over time slowly and painfully.  I am good like that.
   I have evil villain powers too.  I try not to use those.  That can be quite a challenge. I try to remember that it only takes a second to say something I can never unsay. I have heart seeking words that will cut right to the bone and leave open wounds.  I know what will hurt and how bad.  It is a horrible power and ability.  It is something in my youth I would use without thought our care of effect or consequence.  I am not talking of what it cost me but what it cost those the dagger struck.
  I have learnt that kindness takes but a second, however so does vileness. You can build or destroy with the opening of your mouth or the stroke of a few keys.  Deliberate what you choose to do.  Be slow to anger and slow to destroy what others have built.  You do not know if the foundation they have is in sand or stone.  Speak with kindness today and put love into the universe we all need it.  See those standing before you.

Surprise!

Remember when surprises were magical things?  Not the unknown dread of a forgotten Bill or an emergency lurking around the corner like a scary stranger with a puppy.  When the world felt safe and the extra dollar in your pocket would be meant only for a lovely treat.
  Now any extra money comes with the dread that when you have it the universe will conspire against you and it will have to be spent on some emergency.
  I miss magical super cool things just happening,  I am a grown up now and have to make that magic stuff happen.  Wouldn't be nice to find the surprise trip to Disneyland or some exciting local.
  The fact is that will never happen again for us.  The grown-up club.  Well it might if you married really well or manage to date super great.  People like me nope not happening and most the populace not going to happen again.  We are stuck with the: Surprise! Your rent is increasing. Surprise! Your transmission just fell out.  Surprise! You house needs to be tented. ( I didn't even know my house liked camping)

Welcome to adulthood.. There is no Pixie Dust here.

Brain on the Rack and other Tortures.

So I racked my brain trying to figure out what to write tonight.  I was empty couldn't figure it out for the life of me.  What injustices need me to fly in and shine my light of justice on.  Well the answer never really sprung out at me but other things floated through my disorganized brain.
  Why are we as a society so screwed up?  Our priorities are totally out of order.  We blame the victim and cheer the aggressor like a hero. Willing to give to frivolous endeavors but when people are in true need we seem to be offended by their trembling hand before us.
  We go on and on about how we should make a difference but only vote when it comes to television talent shows.  When the fate of our country is on the line we can't be bothered them we throw a tantrum when we do not like the out come.  Really!
   When did the fate of the latest reality tv show mean more than that of your neighbor.  Why do we let our elderly go hungry while we glorify people behaving like spoiled, self center, ego centric monsters.  It is no wonder our generations have become more and more entitled we have taught them the behavior is not only okay it is encouraged.
    Children once were taught that they were to take care of their parents as their parents took care of them.  Now they are taught to dump things that are inconvenient.
    Our families are broken down and we are all doomed.

Dear People of Substance

Dear people of substance,

       Most of us without a home did not choose this life.  We did not make bad choices we just lacked opportunities that many of you had. Many of us are sick, disabled, elderly, and poor. Some of us have even fought and been wounded in Wars for you.  Agencies that are there to help the homeless are just flat out under funded and over stretched,  there are more mouths at the table than there is food.   We have family, jobs, and try to hold it together even with many of you looking down your nose and resenting us for our mere existence.  Imagine how hard it is to hold down a job when you have no home to go to at night no idea where you’re going to park your car or RV so that you can sleep and try to get your kids to school in the morning, once that’s done you must get ready and get to work often times having to drive your home and keep it a secret so you can keep your job.  If you don’t have a job trying to get a job is practically impossible; you need an address you need to be able to receive mail, calls clean up, and look presentable in order to you have to find places where you can use a bathroom to do this.

        If you are disabled and are trying to find a home you probably will never get housing, apartments are expensive and they expect you to make 2 to 2 and a half times the rent in order to qualify.  Low income housing has incredibly long waiting lists and incredibly hard criteria. If you do get accepted into regular housing you will probably be renting from a slumlord who takes advantage of you and come up with every reason to take more and more of your very limited benefits.  In these places that you are paying exorbitant amounts, for you will find that you are living in a place that is not fit for human habitation,  repairs will not be done,  and if you argue with them you will find yourself evicted. This of course is illegal however the law can only protect those who can afford to access it (court costs, that after filing and winning, the landlord will be responsible for but you will have to pay up front) as person of limited means you cannot. 

Next comes the problem of being able to pay your bills you don’t get enough to pay rent, bills, and, buy the basic necessities. Many times you have to choose between toilet paper and toothpaste or food and clothing.  This problem is only exacerbated if you have a family.  

   I know in our society that we believe one is only poor because they don’t work hard enough.  There are many reasons there isn’t enough money.  Cost of living has far exceeded minimum wages and social security benefits (retirement and disabled).  Many states penalize the disabled by counting each penny against food benefits so there is never enough food or rent and bill money.  The disabled are not just gaming the system as many seem to believe; they have to go through thorough screening and rescreening to receive benefits.  Many people on tanf are not gaming the system either that is a myth,  many are middle aged single mothers that their husbands left and now have to figure out a system they looked down on before.  They never thought they would be there. 

      Without education they still have to live hand to mouth and never will be able to live on their feet again.  Getting child support and fair alimony proves very difficult in the system we live in, many just won’t pay and others find ways to get out of it all together.  Agencies that are suppose to help the poor get employment are not interested in if you get a living wage just that you get a job.  

  The poor are judged for having children yet services like Planned Parenthood and Health Departments that provide birth control get their funding slashed each year.  Which do people want birth control or women with another baby each year.  Of course the poor could just stop having sex but so could the rich(it isn’t going to happen basic human instincts). 

   Tolerance should be a basic human instinct but unfortunately it isn’t and we choose to hate and to judge one another.  We judge on so many superficial levels: economics, race, religion, sexuality, our identities, and even how we look.  It is sad that although we are all homosapiens we are not all Human Beings. Chose to be a Human Being. 

Fat Girls don't get Sugar Daddies and Other Life Lessons

  So I am here again. Before you guys grab your pitch forks and torches and round up the lynch mob. I feel I must disclaim some of what I say is satirical.  Some is in all seriousness but other things in in an over larger fun house mirror.
     Life lessons I have learned over my time.  First when you are poor and crazy it really really sucks.  You don't get those fancy names like quirky, eccentric, or passionate. You get fun names like deranged, lunatic, and demented. With such fantastic monikers you can imagine how difficult dealing others can be.  
    When you are feeling anything people question it, even when it is perfectly organic.  When you are angry because of a legitimate reason people are like " did you take your medication today?" or you are sad again they ask that stupid question.  Stop asking that! One medication does not make me stop being a person (okay sometimes it does), two have you ever been in the medication they try to give us?  The prescribing process alone makes you feel like one of those duck shoot games at the fair.  They take a bunch of pills throw them at you and see which one knocks over the duck.
   Once they knocked over the duck you get to deal with the side effects.  Just a couple off the top of my head: confusion, weight gain, tiredness, hair loss, Nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, damage to the teeth and gums, tremors (which may become permanent).  So now you are dumb, sick, unattractive and fat. Thank medicine I feel so much better.  Who are you medicating me for?
   I must clarify when they say weight gain they are not saying oh poo I gained 20 lbs, they are talking significant weight gain like what the he'll happened I was 150 lbs now I am 200 lbs or more.  They lie to you and say it isn't that bad and it is only at the begining but once it gets there it stays.  
   Unfortunately in our society it is okay to be crazy and attractive but people think they can save the pretty, young train wreck.  Let me tell you fat girl don't get sugar daddies and have to save themselves.  
  I have learn to be able to save myself.  I have learned to ask the important questions when I go to the doctor. When we discuss medication I longer sit on my rail and quack.  I do my own research.  I am capable of saying no.   I have control over my own body.  
I am also personally responsible for my actions. I have an illness it does not have me.  I do not use it as an excuse.  

So here i am

    Okay, so I am not sure how many of you really will show up and read these rantings, writings, thoughts, and profound statements.
    I have led a crazy life, not just because I am crazy,  life itself has grabbed me by the ear and dragged me through the mud.  I generally get up and get a shower then laugh and tell my friends all about it.  If there is one thing I have learned is how to get the joke. I am talking the cosmic joke that we live each day (no I am not reducing the miracle of life to a joke) but really have you looked at the absurdity all around us..
     My Life has gone from good to bad to worse to worse still.  Yet I smile and expect the sun to come out tomorrow(which is really sad because I live in Oregon and it is sunny like 2 months of the year)  like an orphan with a rich new daddy.  
       Okay so like the title of my blog days I live with Bipolar disorder.  I have been managing my disease for 20 years for those of you who don't know what the illness is like it is like living on the ride the Intimidator 305 everyday but the track keeps changing.  Even you don't know what you are going to do.  One day you are fine the next day they are dragging you out of a bar where you made new friends with very scary men.  Most the time I am Clark Kent some days I am Superman (the one who hides in the fortress of solitude) and others Lex Luther. The fact is it is tough.
     That isn't my whole identity though I am many things like most of you are. I am a daughter. I have been a wife. I am a mother.  I have been an advocate for my kids and other people.  I volunteer and help where I can. I am a fierce and loyal friend.  I want good things.  I hope for beauty and kindness in the world around me.  I am like most people.
     I have kept a stable home and cared for my children and other people for years in spite of my illness. I have held the world together for more than just myself.
     I find the media's depiction of the mentally ill particularly hurtful I am not that and many I know are not either we are just folk trying to get by.  I am watch the way people react when they find out about my illness some are shocked and ask if I am sure, others go away, and some are just there for the good time the ups bring.


I guess this is enough for now I will write more tomorrow.